What is Apathy?
Well, I guess it's time I address the elephant in the room. Why haven't I been writing? What happened to the blog posts?
That elephant is massive and has a trunk full of excuses. And I'll admit right now that none of them are very acceptable. So, to make up for that I'd like to catch you up with where I'm at.
After the catastrophic house fire, I felt completely deflated. Losing everything you own is a slow burn. I'll admit that it actually wasn't that hard to navigate in the moment because it was all hands on deck. I had to move forward. But grief comes in waves, and the ocean is vast.
I never felt completely defeated, but as time went on I felt a bit apathetic. Apathetic to my commitments, apathetic to my interests, and apathetic to my investments in myself. It's not that I didn't care. I just couldn't find the energy or motivation to pursue them. And that's something I'm still dealing with.
I had some irreconcilable differences with my boss at the bar I was working at. Unfortunately she felt the same and I was taken off the schedule. And although this was an excellent source of income and a great environment for my creativity and writing, the truth is I'm better off working harder for my money and taking on more responsibility. And those two things, hard work and responsibility, make up for what I might be losing in income. And It doesn't hurt that I love going to work.
Even though my work days are twice as long and pay slightly less, I actually enjoy what I do on a very personal level. And I am in charge of myself. You absolutely cannot put a price on that. I'm not self employed, but I'm encouraged to take ownership over what I do. And that is where I thrive. Also, my boss is exceptional and there will never be irreconcilable differences. I will never have to just put up with him. We will either agree or disagree and the outcome will be acceptable.
Enough about the job though. My apathy made me continually pass up opportunities to write. To create. To pursue my calling. In fact (and I'm not proud to say this) my apathy led to a sort of spiritual weakness. It's deeper than just the circumstances I'm comfortable writing about. There are things I simply cannot tell you. Not out of shame or guilt. But out of responsibility.
However, even as I wrestle with these circumstances I'd like to continue writing. For now it's going to be here on the Holy Roller Express. But, someday soon it could be on a different platform. With a theme outside of faith. But I promise there will always be hints. This is where I honed and trained my voice. But, there are other flavors and spices I'd like to season with.
This reminds me of a biblical story. Allow me to elaborate and share that story with you.
It’s the story of the prophet Jeremiah, a man who knew exactly what it felt like to be completely hollowed out by circumstances out of his control. He spent forty years pouring his entire life into a calling that yielded absolutely nothing but hostility, public humiliation, and isolation. The breaking point for him came after a night of physical abuse and confinement, when the sheer weight of his relentless, fruitless labor finally fractured his spirit. He didn't quit out of anger. He quit out of the quiet, heavy apathy of a man whose emotional and spiritual reserves were completely spent. He reached a point of numbness so profound that he cursed the day he was born and explicitly resolved to shut down his mission entirely, declaring that he would no longer speak or even mention the things that used to define his very existence. He simply had nothing left to give.
Yet, the outcome of Jeremiah’s numbness is the very reason his story resonates with me so deeply right now. Try as he might to sustain that protective layer of apathy, he found that he couldn't completely extinguish the pilot light inside his soul, famously admitting that his calling felt like a fire shut up in his bones that he was too weary to hold in. He didn’t experience a sudden, miraculous restoration of overnight joy or an immediate fix to his circumstances. Instead, he just found the bare minimum of internal fuel required to take the next step through the dark, trusting that his voice still mattered. Ultimately, history vindicated his painful endurance, and the words he penned from the absolute bottom of his emotional bankruptcy became a bedrock of hope for generations to come. Proving that a season of total deflation doesn't mean your story is over.
Now bear with me as I search for enough fuel to keep this going. I know it has to be somewhere.
Signing off,
The Torchbearer
